Monday, September 5, 2011

To the girls' mum

You know how frustrated you get because you don’t think T understands how much you do?

Snap.

You know, even if I were the witched witch step mother, I have no interest in encouraging an estrangement between T and his girls. And why? Because I love him with all my heart. I don’t want to see the man I love, adore and cherish be torn apart by not being with his girls that he loves, adores and cherishes.

At one point we tried to make this work while T and my kids and I lived together. Big mistake. Too much, too soon. After a couple of tough months, and thinking the only heartbreaking option we had was to separate, we decided to live apart and keep our relationship intact. If I were so intent on splitting T from his kids, would I have suggested that? Would I have put myself in a position where he would go back to seeing his kids on his own, in his own home, away from me and my kids? Living apart gives us both a chance to support each other while we try to work on our issues with our exes and our kids. It gives us space and room to breathe.

You know, there have been times when he has been tempted to throw his hands in the air and give up. Goodness, how easy would it have been to foster that and make happy families with just me and my kids. I grew up without a loving and supportive relationship with my father, and to this day I suffer because of it. As a human being and a mother myself, there is no way I could ever encourage a father to do that to his kids. Quite the contrary.

Yes, I wanted a relationship with your kids. Because its preferable than not having one. Because it would make T happy. I don’t want to be their mother. And that “relationship” with your kids would be between people who know the same guy. We have something in common, and that’s T. We respect each other because we are a part of his life. Nothing more - no divided loyalties, no quasi-mother figures, not taking over your role. Just me being part of their lives in whatever form that takes, supporting their endeavours simply because I am their father's partner.

I have my own kids and that’s enough for me, thanks. I certainly do not want the responsibility of taking care of two teenagers whose values and sensibilities are far different from my own.

As someone whose own kids spend time with the dates/partners/friends of my own ex-husband, what I do want is for any child in this situation to feel accepted and cared for wherever they are. To know that whoever they are with, it is okay. That its okay to love mum and dad, and be okay about them moving on.

My main concern (after my own kids) is T’s happiness. If that means signing your children’s praises to the rooftops, then I will give that some consideration, if that were the right thing to do and that is what he needed from me. But what it does mean in reality is to be there for him when he is sad and frustrated and celebrate his joys with him.

It certainly doesn’t involve denigrating his children.

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