Back to the Blog

I am wondering what it is that is driving me to my blog once more. I remember when I kept an actual journal – the old fashioned type made of paper that you wrote in with a nice pen – it was done very sporadically, and usually when I was pregnant. When pregnancy was over and I no longer deemed myself to be incredibly special I would lose interest and continued on my very ordinary life.

It may be that subconsciously, meeting and sharing my life with T is just as important to me as having my babies. God knows he has saved my life. The longer we are together and the more our lives intertwine with children and ex-spouses and mothers, fathers and siblings, the more I can see how much we have to learn from all of this. The biggest lessons I am learning are the ones about myself.

In the early days I was full of self righteous anger and indignation, hurt, blame, sorrow and guilt about the breakdown of my marriage two years ago. I convinced myself that the way to get through this sorry process was to either make the ones hurting me suffer as payment for what they had done, or shout at them long and hard enough until they agreed with me and changed their ways.

It has not been until I have seen others try to use this same method - and fail - that I can see that the only way through this process is to accept it and see how I can use it to become a better person. I also know I need to stop thinking that there will be an end to it all. T and I were dreaming of a day when all our challenges would go away, but we can see now that will never happen, and do we want it to anyway? This is our happy ending, right now. And rather than cursing our challenges and getting angry with those that make it so, we know we need to accept any responsibility we have for those challenges, and work on our responses and deeds, rather than spending precious minutes and hours cursing those that behave badly.

T and I have also talked about the difference between continuing to fight for that which we believe in and fighting for fighting's sake. Standing up for our own beliefs and values takes the emphasis off having to "win" and places it more appropriately on doing the right thing for ourselves and our five children.

So, I may not be pregnant, but I feel like we are nurturing something precious and new and excitng.